A Message to the Libertarian Party from Uncle Ruckus

"Now now now, I don't wanna hear no talk ‘bout making liberal America sane again from any of y’all dang ol' America hatin' Wesley Snipes tax rebels!  Donald Trump is the most libertarian public soyvant since White Jesus! 

Only reason any of y’all Murray Rothbard peace-on-earth dope-smokin’ hippie types hate this great man is ‘cause he wants to make America great again!  He’s actually filled out in his life what y’all unemployable Freedom! t-shirt-wearin’ basement-of-yo-momma’s-house podcast-blogging Libertarian delegates fear most: a job application. 

Well guess what: ain’t no Libertarians gonna get elected, so ya might as well work with the Grandest Old Party and other great libertarian men like Paul Ryan and Steve Bannon so we can get somethin’ done around here.

I thank God and His divine messenger Ronald Reagan for bringing us this incredible libertarian man who don’t give no damn 'bout cultural Marxist beta-cuck issues like savin’ the black man from going to jail for the rest of his life over weed.  He shoulda thought about that befo’ he broke the law!

Y’all wicked little godless reason-loving atheist commies better hope the greatest libertarian on the planet don’t use Immigration and Customs Enforcement to physically remove yo’ black-and-yellow asses back to Ancapistan, Mexico where y’all came from.  It’d soyve you right, and y’all 420 canna-bunnies can have all the gay Jew Nazi cakes you want!

All y’all Fedora neckbeard anarchists leave these nice Republicans alone, now, you hear?  Now git off muh roads!" 

--The Reverend Father Uncle Ruckus, no relation

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Uncle Ruckus is the property of Aaron McGruder and Sony Pictures Television.  Image from YouTube.  In case you hadn't figured it out, this post is satire.

Should California Secede from the Union?

Should California WHAT?  Are you insane?  Has anyone actually thought this crackpot idea through?

What they THINK Cali independence will look like

I fully understand the sentiments of many of the even-tempered conservatives, anarcho-capitalist libertarians, and even neoconservative Republicans (the kind who hate Obama more than Satan and are reconciled with God through his supposed Other Son, Ronald Reagan) who support this naïve utopian idea.

It also seems as if many of the people asking me to sign that petition firmly believe Ron Paul could have won as a write-in candidate, that Gary Johnson stole his thunder, and that using Instagram will significantly boost the integrity of their photography portfolio.  Now they believe that a petition will help bring about a peaceful 10^th Amendment-style revolution to restore state sovereignty and individual liberty.

I wish they would all quit this obnoxious exercise.  Then again, I could wish in one hand and drool in the other and we’ll see which one fills up faster.

In case no one’s figured it out yet, I’m completely against California seceding from the Union, even if I’m for secession in other countries.

First of all, I stick around in politics because I want to build bridges within the country, not fracture it.  I have just as much love for the Blue Ridge Mountains as I do for the sunrise over Boston Harbor and the sunset over the Mojave Desert.  Okay, well, maybe not so much the Mojave Desert….

But in all seriousness, Mass media and the hyper-polarization of politics has greatly divided Americans and splitting up the country will only further the division without actually doing anything about the polarized attitudes inside of every newly seceded state.  Elimination of the Democrat and Republican Parties doesn’t eliminate the masses who strongly identify with “the left” or “the right,” no matter how correct Murray Rothbard was in his Left, Right essay.

Second of all, I believe we owe it to the memory of our country’s Civil War veterans—both North and South—to remain united and find better ways to solve our national problems than cutting and running, and especially through fighting.  [Can we just elect Rand Paul already???]  If I may quote Confederate veteran Sam Watkins:

“Our cause was lost from the beginning.  Our greatest victories—Chickamauga and Franklin—were our greatest defeats.  Our people were divided upon the question of Union and secession…  The private soldier fought and starved and died for naught.”

In other words, it ultimately wasn’t worth it.  By the way, if anyone’s offended that I’m quoting Confederate veterans, they might as well stop reading here and now.  This is my rant and if they don’t like it, I will now make it my personal mission to offend them even more deeply.

Just because it’s possible for someone to respect the white, black, Hispanic, and Native American Confederate veterans doesn’t mean that person has the Birth of a Nation movie poster on their bedroom wall.  Sheesh!  [By the way, any politically correct bozo who thinks I’m full of it can Google search “HK Edgerton” and have their mind blown.]

You’re welcome.

What Cali independence will actually look like

Thirdly—and this is the one no one’s expecting—any libertarians who think this will be the new state for anarchist experimentation, or “conservative” Republicans convinced that secession will save us from the tyranny of Obama and help restore the Norman Rockwell painting of what California used to be many decades ago, are sorely mistaken.

[Let me point out that the former spend entirely too much time making maps of where the FEMA concentration camps are located while the latter believe that Rick Santorum was popular enough to have defeated Obama in the General Election.]

Take one moment to think about the political reality of California… THIS STATE IS A BASTION OF LEFTISM!  Seriously, a California Republic will become the People’s Socialist Republic of California in, like, 7 freaking minutes.  Sure, recreational marijuana users won’t have to worry about the DEA, but there will also be:

• ·         Individual mandates that make ObomneyCare look like a fiscally responsible mere suggestion… (God forbid we should allow market-based solutions!)
• ·         Taxes and the state budget deficit flying to the moon faster than Red Bull’s impressive space program
• ·         More police to hassle everyone
• ·         More regulations and state control on private industry here than in the Third Reich.

Yes indeed, people will need that weed to get as high as possible just to cope with the depressing realities of life in the new Workers’ Paradise.

If we want to boost states’ sovereignty, nullification and noncompliance with federal law are a much better method than secession.

Now that I’ve angered libertarians, Republicans, Democrats, and Marxists alike, my work here is done… for now.  I’m off to procrastinate on Facebook for the 900^th time today.

Toodles!

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"Writing the Declaration of Independence" painting by Jean Leon Gerome Ferris.  "Lenin on Board the Cruiser Aurora" painting by Sandor Legrady, made into a postage stamp by the government of the People's Republic of Hungary.  Both images were obtained from Wikimedia Commons and are in the public domain.

Even if the second one wasn't public domain, I still wouldn't pay any royalties to Marxists because it would go against their ideology.  People over profits, right??  Booyah!

Recovering from the Falcon Punch

I finally managed to pick myself up off the floor after the spinning kick to the jaw that was the 2012 General Election.  Good Lord, I’m still exhausted!  Hell, unlike your average idiot who only pretends to care about politics when the election debates start interrupting Monday Night Football, I’ve been involved in the election cycle since April 2011.

THANK GOD IT’S OVER.

I fully expected Mitt Romney to lose and, frankly, I don’t sympathize with all my fellow Republicans who couldn’t see this epic failure chugging around the mountain.  After twice losing to Barack Obama, I’m mildly surprised the RNC members aren’t committing mass ritual suicide like the Romulans do whenever they lose a battle to Picard.  Oh well.

Being a dedicated Ron Paul supporter, my vision for “restoring America” (whatever that means) stretches farther than one dumb election cycle.  I think most voters must have political ADD and serious Alzheimer’s disease since they’re all convinced this election is “the most important election of our time.”  Whatever, dudes, I’m not even 24 and I’ve already seen at least 4 or 5 of those, not even counting the midterms.  DGAF.

However, I was genuinely taken aback by the fact that every election I actually supported was crushed harder than the hopes and dreams of a 12-year-old girl who didn’t make the dance team, in part because her parents never told her she had all the grace of a dodo bird bred by Doctor Moreau.  Not one of my personal friends or heroes was elected.  Daaaaaaamn!

Even though I’m not joining fellow Republicans—still mourning Romney’s candidacy—in committing hara-kiri for disgracing Ronald Reagan, this election was a giant falcon punch even for me.

I was already over the RNC punching me in the heart through their destruction of Ron Paul’s candidacy, and I’d picked up the pieces and taken my leftover time and energy to campaign for a friend of mine running for Congress, another friend running for State Assembly, and another buddy running for the Colorado legislature.  All wiped out and in the 60s-30s margin.  Ouch!

Since 2008 the GOP had been obnoxiously crying “This is madness!” and the Democrats responded with a kick to the stomach and the words “This is SPARTA!!!”

I’m also reminded of the scene from Revenge of the Sith where Anakin Skywalker shouts “You underestimate my power!” just moments before Obi-wan Kenobi gives him a permanent height reduction.  In a nutshell, Mitt Romney and the Republican Party were Anakin while the Democrats were Obi-wan Kenobi, his lightsaber, and all the hot lava too.

Since I’ve already surrendered all my journalistic credibility to the idol of Star Wars fandom, I might as well continue with this political fanboy metaphor.  Like Yoda and the few remaining Jedi at the end of Episode III, I can finally go into exile from politics and enjoy my PlayStation for the first time in 8 months.

Better yet, the best is yet to come!  We in the “greater liberty movement” have reason to look to a new hope: Rand Paul 2016!

[Some people call this a “man crush.”  Whatevah, whatevah, I do what I want!]

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Election image courtesy of "DonkeyHotey" via Wikimedia Commons under license CC BY-SA 2.0.

Star Wars GIF courtesy of Ron Paul Problems.  Star Wars is the property of George Lucas and Lucasfilm, Ltd.  Or Disney by now.  Or the Chinese government.  Nobody really knows.  I'm beginning to care less and less.