A Message to the Libertarian Party from Uncle Ruckus

"Now now now, I don't wanna hear no talk ‘bout making liberal America sane again from any of y’all dang ol' America hatin' Wesley Snipes tax rebels!  Donald Trump is the most libertarian public soyvant since White Jesus! 

Only reason any of y’all Murray Rothbard peace-on-earth dope-smokin’ hippie types hate this great man is ‘cause he wants to make America great again!  He’s actually filled out in his life what y’all unemployable Freedom! t-shirt-wearin’ basement-of-yo-momma’s-house podcast-blogging Libertarian delegates fear most: a job application. 

Well guess what: ain’t no Libertarians gonna get elected, so ya might as well work with the Grandest Old Party and other great libertarian men like Paul Ryan and Steve Bannon so we can get somethin’ done around here.

I thank God and His divine messenger Ronald Reagan for bringing us this incredible libertarian man who don’t give no damn 'bout cultural Marxist beta-cuck issues like savin’ the black man from going to jail for the rest of his life over weed.  He shoulda thought about that befo’ he broke the law!

Y’all wicked little godless reason-loving atheist commies better hope the greatest libertarian on the planet don’t use Immigration and Customs Enforcement to physically remove yo’ black-and-yellow asses back to Ancapistan, Mexico where y’all came from.  It’d soyve you right, and y’all 420 canna-bunnies can have all the gay Jew Nazi cakes you want!

All y’all Fedora neckbeard anarchists leave these nice Republicans alone, now, you hear?  Now git off muh roads!" 

--The Reverend Father Uncle Ruckus, no relation

* * *

Uncle Ruckus is the property of Aaron McGruder and Sony Pictures Television.  Image from YouTube.  In case you hadn't figured it out, this post is satire.

An Alex Jones Fairy Tale, Part the Second

Continued from Part the First: Once Upon a Time: An Alex Jones Fairy Tale

Book the Second

Once upon a time there sat a story teller in the front of his all-knowing, far-reaching computer.  Mighty was this device, for its ram and melding with the magical FiOs stone allowed the story teller to travel to distant lands and send messages of great import to comrades long separated.  This is a story the teller did impart unto me in confidence, but the urgency of these dark times compel me to divulge unto thee this tale my heart burns to tell.

The likeness of the King's castle on an ancient coin (not of silver)

Once upon a time sat in a castle under the ground was a Conspiratarian.  This lord of a private fiefdom unpopulated was licking his wounds and counting his misfortunes following a desperate engagement.  This engagement was a swift defeat unto the Conspiratarian, for he did send his most loyal knight, the Adam of Kokesh, into battle, backwards on a horse, with sword and shield raised above and behind his head.  Knew he well that such a non-traditional and non-defensive stance would demonstrate a warrior’s steady resolve and utter lack of fear, and that it would strike fear into the hearts of his opponents on the field of battle, which in reality most certainly did not.

Upon the retirement of the champion of the Round Table, Sir Ronald of Paul, the Adam of Kokesh waxeth increasingly sore for many days. Stepped he in front of his own computer, did Kokesh, and proclaimeth unto the world that for the greatest champion of liberty in all the world to retire was indeed a betrayal against the people.

Kokesh proclaimeth Sir Ronald an Enemy of the People whilst claiming himself rightful successor to Sir Ronald’s seat at the round table.  Kokesh did dream many a dream in which he was a presidential candidate, whereupon books would be written about him, houses of learning dedicated in his name, tattoos drawn bearing his image, and most of all: he dreameth that Lady Anne of Archist, whose heart belongeth to Sir Ronald, would soften her heart and place it to be stolen upon by he, Kokesh.

Therefore, Kokesh sent a proclamation to all the libertarians throughout all the lands, saying, “Verily I say unto you, Ronald of Paul is a knave; he is no libertarian like unto thee all.  It is I who will be thy champion of liberty henceforth.”  And it so happened that the libertarians waxed sore and rose up against him, and his subscription count on YouTube did plummet like unto a fallen angel (and not a better corresponding metaphor could have been used).

The Kokesh fell deeply out of favor, but ne’er did he give up in his maniacal quest.  He decided he needed to consult the mystical spirits, and so he lit up a joint made thereof of the dankest chronic recommended by Jamaican sages.  He lit the joint and filmed himself smoking it thus, whereby he was able to commune with the spirits.  The spirits compelled him to resist the challenges against liberty through armed uprising, like unto the risings of Edward IV against the House of Lancaster, and unto Tommy Vercetti’s struggle against Sonny Forelli.

And so the Adam of Kokesh devised a plan which, in his mind, shone brilliant.  He sent riders in all directions with orders to muster in the King’s capital.  The faithful disciples of the Conspiratarian and his head knight, the Adam of Kokesh, were to assemble near the castle of King Barack with their muskets and swords o’er their shoulders.  They would then march yonder round the fiefdoms of the King’s department ministers.

It was brought to the attention of Kokesh by a low-ranking conspiratarian militiaman, whose courage wavered with fear, that a standing ordinance in the Capital prohibiteth open carry of arms.  “Nay!” roareth Kokesh, waxing with courage, and saying “the King’s ordinance doth not supercede our right to bear arms as guaranteed in the Second Amendment!”  This was very true indeed, but Kokesh stopped not there, for he waxed with pride and proclaimeth, “Our cause is not simply limited to the laws of the capital, but to the liberation of the whole nation!  We shall march on the capital and the King’s opposition shall quiver with fear and throw down their weapons!”

As the conspiratarians saw the world, it was colored only in black and white.  The globes in their offices were flat, and their maps of the capital shewn a golden throne upon which Sir Ronald of Paul was to sit, singlehandedly restoring the people’s freedom and serving as Dictator of Liberty.  As Sir Ronald retired, the Adam of Kokesh appointed himself Great Successor to the Dictatorship of Liberty.  Kokesh did see the world as a flat disc, and his lord’s militia’s march on the King’s capital was to strike fear into the hearts of the Kings men so that they would be chased by the Conspiratarian’s militia to the ends of the Earth, whereupon they would continue to flee and fall off the edge of the world.

Yet the libertarians throughout the land, with a true concern for their brothers in the conspiratarian movement, cried unto the Adam of Kokesh.  Their plea: “I beseech thee, O brother, waste not thy men in this march, for the King’s men are many, and they shall slay thy multitudes with their greater multitudes.”  The heart of Kokesh did hearken unto their plea, yet shrwed was the Adam.  He sayeth to his leftenants, “We shall perform a strategic operation which will be a bloodless coup.  We must march on the King’s capital, but may we do so unarmed, and in protest of the King’s laws against the growers of the Holy Hemp Weed.”

The Adam of Kokesh seized by King Barack's men

And the Kokesh did march unarmed on the King’s capital, and he was seized by the King’s men within five minutes, and placed into a dungeon in one of the fiefdoms of the department ministers.

The Conspirataian grew livid upon this news, and beseeched his remaining conspiratarian disciples to liberate the Adam of Kokesh from the dungeon.  And it came to pass that on the day the Conspiratarian and his men donned their Guy Fawkes masks and mounted their horses, they saw a creature in flight which slew their courage.  “Look ho!  Yonder flyeth one of King Barack’s mechanized eagles, and it performeth psychological operations!  Its operations affect me at this minute, and my courage wanes!  Retreat now to the underground bunker, and behind the safety of thine own laptops!”  And the Conspiratarian and his men retreated into the sunset, leaving the Adam of Kokesh to languish in the dungeon.

To be continued…

* * *

White House artwork is in the public domain and obtained from Wikimedia Commons.  Adam Kokesh arrest image courtesy of Maria Izaurralde via Spread Liberty News.

YAL and the Lost Book of the Bible

The following is believed by archeologists and theological experts to be a chapter from a lost book in the Hebrew Bible.  It was one of the more than 900 texts known as the Dead Sea Scrolls, hidden from the world for two millennia by the sands of time.  Because of its shocking prophetic content—prophesying of worldviews and commandments of a modern liberty movement organization in existence today—it was long dismissed by the academic community of Biblical and theological studies.  However, radiocarbon dating and recent archeological excavations in Palestine have made great strides in authenticating this text.

For decades it was locked away deep in the vaults of the Smithsonian Institute until just days ago when a ninja stealthily broke into the vaults and silently made his way out with the ancient scroll containing the text.  The ninja’s master, Walter Block, defended the undefendable and liberated the previously hidden-away text, sending electronic copies to bloggers worldwide with a CC BY 3.0 license.  This is the hidden chapter from the lost text:

1 And Rebekah of Florida came down from the mountain with the stone tablet upon which were inscribed the YAL’s commandments, and she did address the multitudes of libertarians,

 

2 And she delivered unto them the five commandments of the one true YAL which were the following:

 

3 Be straightforward and hold no deception against thy fellow man, lest ye be called infiltrator.

 

4 Be not abrasive, for the reward for those who obey the commandments of the YAL shall be made tenfold in heaven, and the reward for those who cleave to their statist idols shall be like unto coals of a fiery furnace.

 

5 Be thou a loving and cooperative body, giving thy hand in friendship to all men, for verily the YAL declareth unto you, Go ye therefore, and make disciples of all nations, preaching and baptizing in the name of the Mises, the Rothbard, and the Paul.

 

6 Turn ye not away from the truth in which you are reborn, for the YAL will not hold him guiltless who forsaketh the truth, but shall reward he who maketh the truth known to all men, both statist and anarchist.

 

7 And remember, love others as you would love yourselves.  Love each other as you would love thy YAL who delivereth you from the shackles of intellectual darkness.

 

8 ¶ And after Rebekah proclaimeth the five commandments which were sent forth throughout the earth, the people marveled at the revelation delivered unto them by the one true YAL.

 

9 And the young Americans and all the host of libertarians did abide by the five commandments of the YAL, all except for one Adam called Kokesh, son of Conspiratarian.  Adam did hear the proclamation and waxed sore, saying

 

10 Nay!  Rebekah of Florida tarryeth with Jack Hunter, who tarryeth with Rand son of Ron, who sold his father to the RNC for thirty pieces of Federal Reserve silver.

 

11 (Adam knew not of the hidden arrangements between Rand son of Ron and the YAL, for the YAL was with both Ron and Rand and not with Adam).  And Adam said: Clearly only vicious ad hominem attacks will awaken people to our ideas and bring forth our victory in revolution.

 

12 ¶ And so the Conspiratarians did attack, and Adam saw that they were vicious.  And the battle cry of Adam was with them always,

 

13 And the sheeple waxed sore against the multitudes until social media was no longer fun, and so they did surrender themselves unto these teachings forever and ever.

 

14 And while no liberty candidate was ever elected ruler and judge over the people, Ron Paul never lost an online poll again.  Amen.

Wow!  What a revelation!

If you haven’t figured it out yet, this was pure libertarian-conservative comedy and in no way an actual violation of Revelation 22:18-19.  If you think it was, you’re probably a neocon, most likely voted for Rick Santorum, and at one point probably thought Donald Trump would have made a good presidential candidate.  Please come to grips with the shocking fact that your sh*t actually does stink and then learn to take a joke.

If you’re mad that this rant made fun of Adam Kokesh and conspiratarians, you’re probably Adam Kokesh, a conspiratarian, or both.  Please see the advice I gave to the neocons.

“Why all the audacious rants?” you might as.  Simply put, I once planned to run for office.  Unfortunately my district was ridiculously gerrymandered to the point that the new lines gerrymurdererd my chances of ever being elected.  At this point, I may as well be blatantly honest while I educate others and entertain myself in the process.

You might now be inclined to ask the follow-up question, “How the hell was this rant educational?!”  Elementary, my dear hater: it was a preparatory exercise.  If you were able to read and comprehend the archaic English, you might be ready to begin reading Human Action.  Enjoy the inevitable reshaping of your worldview, and you’re welcome.

* * *

Photo is of a page from Textus Vaticanus B. It's in the public domain and was obtained via Wikimedia Commons.  You wanna know what's amazing?  I haven't watched the Big Bang Theory in almost a month.  I'm also still stuck on an army base in the boondocks.  Both of these are a bad combination for an eccentric writer in the middle of a quarter-life crisis...

They're coming to take me away, hee hee!  They're coming to take me away, ha ha!

Once Upon a Time: An Alex Jones Fairy Tale

Book the First

New Swan Castle--inspiration for Walt Disney and conspiratarians

Once upon a time there was a corps of dedicated, principled activists who fought hard and took incredible strides in the hopes of electing the greatest statesman in modern time to the highest office in the land.  This is not their story.  This is the story of the Conspiratarian who ranted from within his chamber deep within a castle.  The Conspiratarian was a nobleman—a prince perhaps—of a dynasty long-since overthrown.  This dynasty of old was overthrown not by force of arms, for foreign armies knew that 1776 would happen again if the guns were to be taken away.  Instead, unseen forces—most likely funded by the globalists—laid down their measly Senator Feinstein-approved chariots and sabers and instead picked up the memoirs of General Vo Nguyen Giap and began to wage a war of propaganda and disinformation.

In this war of disinformation, other crackpot ideologues in slightly lesser need of Ritalin (or perhaps a fat bowl of marijuana) learned to tone down the extremity of their lies and half-truths so that the lowly proletarians—the sheeple—would find the madness more acceptable.  They were then able to creep up on the Conspiratarian’s mighty television antenna and overtake his hard-earned ratings with higher ones of their own!  But these ideologues were themselves deceived.  Half of them hated the Warlock of the East, George of Soros, while the other half hated the Warlock of the West, Rupert of Murdoch.  Yet none of them knew that both warlocks were the puppets of the unknown globalists.

You might be tempted to ask, “Who were those wicked globalists?”  Why, they were none other than the fabled Gnomes of Zürich, controlling the world through their extensive banking operations from deep, underground chambers where pawns like the goblins at Gringotts did their bidding.  (It should be known that the Gnomes of Zürich funded the Keebler elves in their mission to increase obesity in the United States, therefore reducing the amount of able-bodied men in the unorganized militia in order to advance their globalist agenda.)  Using the Codebook of the Freemasons, the globalist gnomes planned their takeover of the entire world and nobody knew.  Nobody except for the valiant Conspiratarian, that is!

Though he may have lost his mighty television antenna, he thought of the bat-shit crazy conspiracies he must bring forth to light in front of the whole world, and so he clapped his hands.  He clapped, clapped, clapped his hands so incredibly hard because he truly believed.  This beckoned the arrival of Tinkerbell who used her magic to grant him with the Power of the Modem, through which he could transmit his theories to the rest of the world from within his new hidden lair.  While undertaking the arduous task of preaching the truth to the world, the noble Conspiratarian drew strength and inspiration from the everlasting truths in the Gospel of Zeitgeist (parts I and II, DVD versions) and the Protocols of the Elders of Zion.

The gnomes' globalist mercenary troops in Zurich

There would be many battles up ahead.  First, the towns-sheeple of the kingdom were under siege from the killer tomatoes of Monsanto, whose chemically-altered properties made them jump out of the ground and start ravishing all the lovely damsels.  They then continued on the path of destruction to punch babies in the face and keep Denny's closed between 1 and 3 AM on Friday and Saturday nights.  With the help of his noble squire, the Adam of Kokesh—his given name was Bitchy von Moaner—who used the power of the beard (derived in no way from Chuck Norris) to slay the killer tomatoes, the towns-sheeple were temporarily saved.  But danger lurked on the horizon.

There was a white knight in shining armor, Sir Ronald of Paul, who galloped valiantly to undue the globalist agenda.  Unfortunately, he was hit by a bus carrying the Conspiratarian’s message of truth to the townspeople, and Sir Ronald had to temporarily retire from the good fight.  His son Lord Randal of Paul took a different approach to defeat the globalist menace.  With the help of the Wizard of Goldwater—a famed alchemist and “conservative” of old—Sir Rand took the form of a snake in the grass, working his way to a position of high power in the globalist court.  He made a speech in honor of one of the gnomes’ top servants (in order to get closer to the gnomes and stab them in the back to preserve our liberty).  Upon hearing this speech, the Conspiratarian and his squire from Kokesh raised an army of conspiratarian followers who rallied in battle and slew Sir Rand’s momentum.  The Conspiratarian and the Kokeshian squire charged forth valiantly towards future battles, neither knowing nor caring that their noble efforts were making things incredibly difficult for those who were utilizing calmer rhetoric and rallying behind political warriors who actually had the power and ability to counter the globalist agenda.

Elsewhere in the world, a young man sat at a computer in Southern California, wondering whether he was having a quarter-life crisis.  After starting up a blog full of his own ranting vanity cards, he began to fully understand was a misunderstood genius Chuck Lorre is.

Continued in Book the Second!

* * *

Züriputsch 1839 sketch in the public domain. New Swan Castle image by Cezary Piwowarsky and used via CC BY-SA 3.0 license.  Both images obtained from Wikimedia Commons.  If you haven't read Chuck Lorre's vanity cards, Google them.  Sadly I can relate to so many.  Break ups suck.