Once Upon a Time: An Alex Jones Fairy Tale

Book the First

New Swan Castle--inspiration for Walt Disney and conspiratarians

Once upon a time there was a corps of dedicated, principled activists who fought hard and took incredible strides in the hopes of electing the greatest statesman in modern time to the highest office in the land.  This is not their story.  This is the story of the Conspiratarian who ranted from within his chamber deep within a castle.  The Conspiratarian was a nobleman—a prince perhaps—of a dynasty long-since overthrown.  This dynasty of old was overthrown not by force of arms, for foreign armies knew that 1776 would happen again if the guns were to be taken away.  Instead, unseen forces—most likely funded by the globalists—laid down their measly Senator Feinstein-approved chariots and sabers and instead picked up the memoirs of General Vo Nguyen Giap and began to wage a war of propaganda and disinformation.

In this war of disinformation, other crackpot ideologues in slightly lesser need of Ritalin (or perhaps a fat bowl of marijuana) learned to tone down the extremity of their lies and half-truths so that the lowly proletarians—the sheeple—would find the madness more acceptable.  They were then able to creep up on the Conspiratarian’s mighty television antenna and overtake his hard-earned ratings with higher ones of their own!  But these ideologues were themselves deceived.  Half of them hated the Warlock of the East, George of Soros, while the other half hated the Warlock of the West, Rupert of Murdoch.  Yet none of them knew that both warlocks were the puppets of the unknown globalists.

You might be tempted to ask, “Who were those wicked globalists?”  Why, they were none other than the fabled Gnomes of Zürich, controlling the world through their extensive banking operations from deep, underground chambers where pawns like the goblins at Gringotts did their bidding.  (It should be known that the Gnomes of Zürich funded the Keebler elves in their mission to increase obesity in the United States, therefore reducing the amount of able-bodied men in the unorganized militia in order to advance their globalist agenda.)  Using the Codebook of the Freemasons, the globalist gnomes planned their takeover of the entire world and nobody knew.  Nobody except for the valiant Conspiratarian, that is!

Though he may have lost his mighty television antenna, he thought of the bat-shit crazy conspiracies he must bring forth to light in front of the whole world, and so he clapped his hands.  He clapped, clapped, clapped his hands so incredibly hard because he truly believed.  This beckoned the arrival of Tinkerbell who used her magic to grant him with the Power of the Modem, through which he could transmit his theories to the rest of the world from within his new hidden lair.  While undertaking the arduous task of preaching the truth to the world, the noble Conspiratarian drew strength and inspiration from the everlasting truths in the Gospel of Zeitgeist (parts I and II, DVD versions) and the Protocols of the Elders of Zion.

The gnomes' globalist mercenary troops in Zurich

There would be many battles up ahead.  First, the towns-sheeple of the kingdom were under siege from the killer tomatoes of Monsanto, whose chemically-altered properties made them jump out of the ground and start ravishing all the lovely damsels.  They then continued on the path of destruction to punch babies in the face and keep Denny's closed between 1 and 3 AM on Friday and Saturday nights.  With the help of his noble squire, the Adam of Kokesh—his given name was Bitchy von Moaner—who used the power of the beard (derived in no way from Chuck Norris) to slay the killer tomatoes, the towns-sheeple were temporarily saved.  But danger lurked on the horizon.

There was a white knight in shining armor, Sir Ronald of Paul, who galloped valiantly to undue the globalist agenda.  Unfortunately, he was hit by a bus carrying the Conspiratarian’s message of truth to the townspeople, and Sir Ronald had to temporarily retire from the good fight.  His son Lord Randal of Paul took a different approach to defeat the globalist menace.  With the help of the Wizard of Goldwater—a famed alchemist and “conservative” of old—Sir Rand took the form of a snake in the grass, working his way to a position of high power in the globalist court.  He made a speech in honor of one of the gnomes’ top servants (in order to get closer to the gnomes and stab them in the back to preserve our liberty).  Upon hearing this speech, the Conspiratarian and his squire from Kokesh raised an army of conspiratarian followers who rallied in battle and slew Sir Rand’s momentum.  The Conspiratarian and the Kokeshian squire charged forth valiantly towards future battles, neither knowing nor caring that their noble efforts were making things incredibly difficult for those who were utilizing calmer rhetoric and rallying behind political warriors who actually had the power and ability to counter the globalist agenda.

Elsewhere in the world, a young man sat at a computer in Southern California, wondering whether he was having a quarter-life crisis.  After starting up a blog full of his own ranting vanity cards, he began to fully understand was a misunderstood genius Chuck Lorre is.

Continued in Book the Second!

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Züriputsch 1839 sketch in the public domain. New Swan Castle image by Cezary Piwowarsky and used via CC BY-SA 3.0 license.  Both images obtained from Wikimedia Commons.  If you haven't read Chuck Lorre's vanity cards, Google them.  Sadly I can relate to so many.  Break ups suck.

Piers Morgan vs. Alex Jones; I Have Lost My Faith in God

Overzealous conspiratarian and Ideal Ritalin Test Subject #1 Alex Jones was on muskets-in-the-2^nd-Amendment Piers Morgan’s show a few days ago.  This would be funny if it weren’t all so painfully real.  I have lost my faith in God…

Okay, I haven’t really lost my faith in God.  Hell, if there was any one event that would have made me renounce my faith in the Almighty who both blessed and cursed me with life on this cartoon cavalcade of a circus planet, it probably would have been my soul-crushing break up with the most stunningly beautiful (no joke) Ron Paul supporter in the state of Indiana.  Creepertarians, you can stop your heavy breathing now!

Upon viewing the televised verbal clash I was tempted to simply drink myself into a stupor requiring medical attention and voluntary commitment to a sanitarium, with the hopes I’d sober up and check myself out just in time to caucus for Rand Paul in Iowa in December 2015.  However, I figured if Job lost his whole family to Satanic-induced death, his health to boils, and his home to stronger wind than Kansas in The Wizard of Oz, then I probably had very little room to complain.  Damn, I hate it when other people’s real problems expose my first-world problems as pathetic…

But I digress.

Alex Jones was on Piers Morgan’s show on national cable television.  This at first made me burst into hysterical laughter.  This is better than a prime-time mash-up of The Kardashians and Jersey Shore!  Then I suddenly realized the ramifications of Alex Jones TALKING on Piers Morgan’s national cable show: Oh. Crap.

I watched the interview and Jones jumped straight to the Totalitarians Argument.  I will give credit where credit is due: Jones did his homework and came to the set with FBI crime statistics showing an average 20% drop in violent crime in areas with more guns in the hands of law-abiding citizens.  He also was absolutely correct that the Second Amendment was written to protect citizens from tyrannical government.  Anyone who doesn’t believe me can read Federalist # 46 (written by the author of the Constitution).

Then the rest of the interview was Jones shouting like a man doomed to stroke out while Morgan was the stereotypical snippety English elitist.  What horrified me most was that the clip of Jones warning of 1776 happening again made it onto the Daily Show with Jon Stewart.  This means Alex Jones is considered by mainstreamers to be a voice of libertarianism.  People are now uttering the name of a ranting conspiratarian in the sentence as [the name of] a well-loved retired Republican Congressman from Lake Jackson, Texas.  WHY, GOD, WHY?!

What many conspiratarians (and fanatical Libertarian Party members) often fail to understand is this: while the Totalitarians argument (Hitler, Stalin, Mao took the guns…) is absolutely correct, we can’t just blitzkrieg ideological opponents with it.  We need to stick with Ron Paul/Rand Paul/Mike Lee/Justin Amash approach and be the libertarian snakes in the neoconservative grass.  We have to gradually convince the public of the validity of libertarian ideas through a clear line of reasoning.  Otherwise, we look like crazy ideologues who go on YouTube and talk about all the undercover cops that have been following them since their interview on the Piers Morgan show.

As for Piers Morgan, his arguments were fallacious.  The fact still stands that Sandy Hook Elementary School, the movie theater in Aurora, and Columbine High School were all designated Gun Free Zones.  Piers is a man in a precarious position right now; few people have over 104,000 signatures demanding their deportation on WhiteHouse.gov.  Ouch!  And I thought I had problems!  There was only one person who wanted me out of Indiana.  Suck to be you, Piers!

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YouTube video not my property but used via Standard YouTube License.  Image is the property of Alex Jones, used via CC BY-SA 3.0 license, and was obtained from Wikimedia commons.

Insights on Creepertarians

One of the increasingly learned-of and identifiable trends within the liberty movement can be classified as a very distinct sub-group: creepertarians.   Like their non-creepertarian contemporaries in the liberty movement, these fellows heavily subscribe to libertarian ideas and have quite often proven themselves to be able and willing volunteers for activism.  Yet they also serve as detractors for the movement.  Ron Paul Problems describes these fellows in social scientific terms:

creep-er-tar-ian [Noun].  A subset of individuals found in the American ‘liberty movement’. Usually male, though this is not always the case. A creepertarian is any socially awkward person in the movement that shows traits of an internet stalker.

Found in excess on Facebook…  Up to 80% of libertarian males show at least latent signs of creepertarianism — excessive liking of Facebook content, or ‘hovering’ while in public. Hovering creepertarians are unlikely to actually make any verbal contribution to the conversations which they are standing in proximity of— but they’ll stare enthusiastically, and breath heavily. Some also avoid eye contact. They may recount their observations to you later, over a Facebook private message.

RPP also describes a rarer species of female creepertarians but, since they only creep on libertarian celebrities and not regular people, no one cares.  Here are two plain-and-simple ways that creepertarians cause damage to the liberty movement:

1)   They creep on attractive libertarian women volunteers, thus causing said women to become creeped out, stop showing up to volunteer, and in effect cause half the guys to stop volunteering as well since they can no longer wake up in the morning expecting to hit on a real live girl at the YAL meeting or the campaign office.  The harmony/sexual harassment homeostasis is ruined.

2)  Even worse, they go out to do real activism and creep on potential converts (current non-libertarian women), thus thoroughly creeping them out, irreparably scarring them for life, and forever alienating them from the liberty movement.  Said women will then proceed to inform everyone they know that libertarians and “Paulbots” are not only phenomenally rude and obnoxious on Facebook, but also very likely sex offenders.

If any gentleman (and I use the term liberally) reading this be a creepertarian, or suspect himself of having creepertarian tendencies, I have the following advice: STOP BEING A CREEPER!!!  Seriously, don’t stalk and don’t hover.  Limit yourself to only one private message per week.  Don’t try to mix activism with dating; you can date a fellow activist but leave all the flirting and the PDAs for personal time.  Don’t dip your pen in company ink, or as one of my NCOs used to say, “Don’t shit where you eat.”  It’s that simple.

"How many times do I have to say it? STOP creeping!" --Rand

If the women you’re creeping on—or multiple women, since you probably have low standards—is already a genuine friend of yours and you suspect you’re stuck in the “Friend Zone,” see a self-help article I wrote a while ago titled “Get Out of the Friend Zone!”.  However, if there’s a chance she’s not really your friend but just tolerating you for the good of the campaign or the YAL/SFL chapter, just give up and walk away.  Sure, you may think that’s impossible because you’re in love and blah-blah-blah, but think about it this way: Your creeping and alienation of women both within and without the liberty movement will COST votes for Rand’s 2016 presidential run.

Should it ever occur that Rand lost a state primary or caucus by just a few votes in one precinct, and that precinct happened to have a creepertarian a-creeping in abundance, I shall slay thee in a manner like unto the Samurai of old.

Are you still in denial?  Let’s take the opportunity to clear something up.  See if you (or anyone you know) fit any the following:

·   If you’ve ever been deleted and/or blocked on Facebook/Twitter by a woman you’ve met through the liberty movement, you might be a creepertarian.

·      If more than once some guy has had to tell you at a Ron Paul-related event, “Dude, that’s my girlfriend/wife,” you might be a creepertarian.

·      If you weren’t invited to go to the bar with her group after a political event yet you just happen to be at that bar and near her table, you might be a creepertarian.

·      If a YAL/SFL/YFP officer has ever told you “Just because you’re into Ron Paul and she’s into Ron Paul does not mean she’s into you,” you might be a creepertarian.

·     If she happens to be a new libertarian or simply a conservative who likes the Pauls but you’re convinced that you and only you can convert her to anarcho-capitalism, you might be a creepertarian.

·     If you wear blazers and bow-ties that make you look like you jumped out of the year 1911 and are not a published author from LI or the Mises Institute, you might be a creepertarian.

·   If you’ve ever begun a sentence with “I’m looking for my Carol Paul…” you might be a creepertarian.

·   If you’ve ever resembled the butt of a joke on Ron Paul Problems, you might be a creepertarian.

Gentlemen, if you think you might be a creepertarian and seriously want to reform yourself, I commend you.  I recommend the following steps:

·       Be completely honest with yourself and make a list of all the possible ways you could have come across as creepy.  Also take note of the women to whom you radiated those vibes.

·       Stay AWAY from those women.  Keep your distance.  Let them approach you.

·       Have your sister, cousin, or not-creeped-out female friend help you pick out new clothes that neither make you look like Captain Sweatpants nor the Vienna school professors circa 1890.  You can find something you like without looking like a social outcast.

·       Read any book by Neil Strauss or Chris Odom.  Re-read them, take them to heart, and put their theories to practice.  Also check out a great self-help book called Asshole-ology: The Science Behind Getting Your Way and Getting Away With It.  Never forget the difference between an asshole and a douche bag.

·       Work out on a regular basis, at least 2-3 times a week. Slim down and tone up.  Just don’t end up looking like a Jersey Shore reject.

·       Don’t mix dating with work or activism.

·       Spend ten minutes a day reading up on popular culture so you have something other than the Austrian Business Cycle Theory to talk about in case you find yourself in conversation with (*gasp!*) a woman.

"...A martini, shaken, not stirred." --A non-creeper

Most importantly, learn how to read body language and be able to take “NO” for an answer.  If she’s not interested, move onto another woman who might actually be interested.  If anything, try to be like Rand Paul with your swag.  The less you talk, the more mysterious you seem.  Even if you have a monotone voice that puts you in stark contrast with your father’s high-pitched, arm-waving rants, you can still know what the hell you’re talking about and then make an interesting point or tell a good story.  “So then I said: Don’t tell the Tang family they didn’t build that!” [*laughter, much applause*]  Best of all, be cool, maintain the aura of being in charge, and always leave your friends and the ladies wanting more.

Liberty really can be sexy.

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Man with binoculars photo by Ante Perkovic and used via CC BY-SA 3.0 license.  Rand Paul photo by Gage Skidmore and used via CC BY-SA 2.0 license.  Martini photo by N. Renaud and used via CC BY-SA 2.0 license.  All images obtained from Wikimedia Commons.  Man, you have no idea how much I wished I could use a photo of James Bond without MGM and the Ian Fleming estate simultaneously jumping down my throat like argumentative Ron Paul supporters on Facebook.  IP: such is the cross I bear. *sigh*