Monday, July 15, 2013

An Alex Jones Fairy Tale, Part the Second

Continued from Part the First: Once Upon a Time: An Alex Jones Fairy Tale

Book the Second

Once upon a time there sat a story teller in the front of his all-knowing, far-reaching computer.  Mighty was this device, for its ram and melding with the magical FiOs stone allowed the story teller to travel to distant lands and send messages of great import to comrades long separated.  This is a story the teller did impart unto me in confidence, but the urgency of these dark times compel me to divulge unto thee this tale my heart burns to tell.

The likeness of the King's castle on an ancient coin (not of silver)
Once upon a time sat in a castle under the ground was a Conspiratarian.  This lord of a private fiefdom unpopulated was licking his wounds and counting his misfortunes following a desperate engagement.  This engagement was a swift defeat unto the Conspiratarian, for he did send his most loyal knight, the Adam of Kokesh, into battle, backwards on a horse, with sword and shield raised above and behind his head.  Knew he well that such a non-traditional and non-defensive stance would demonstrate a warrior’s steady resolve and utter lack of fear, and that it would strike fear into the hearts of his opponents on the field of battle, which in reality most certainly did not.

Upon the retirement of the champion of the Round Table, Sir Ronald of Paul, the Adam of Kokesh waxeth increasingly sore for many days. Stepped he in front of his own computer, did Kokesh, and proclaimeth unto the world that for the greatest champion of liberty in all the world to retire was indeed a betrayal against the people.

Kokesh proclaimeth Sir Ronald an Enemy of the People whilst claiming himself rightful successor to Sir Ronald’s seat at the round table.  Kokesh did dream many a dream in which he was a presidential candidate, whereupon books would be written about him, houses of learning dedicated in his name, tattoos drawn bearing his image, and most of all: he dreameth that Lady Anne of Archist, whose heart belongeth to Sir Ronald, would soften her heart and place it to be stolen upon by he, Kokesh.

Therefore, Kokesh sent a proclamation to all the libertarians throughout all the lands, saying, “Verily I say unto you, Ronald of Paul is a knave; he is no libertarian like unto thee all.  It is I who will be thy champion of liberty henceforth.”  And it so happened that the libertarians waxed sore and rose up against him, and his subscription count on YouTube did plummet like unto a fallen angel (and not a better corresponding metaphor could have been used).

The Kokesh fell deeply out of favor, but ne’er did he give up in his maniacal quest.  He decided he needed to consult the mystical spirits, and so he lit up a joint made thereof of the dankest chronic recommended by Jamaican sages.  He lit the joint and filmed himself smoking it thus, whereby he was able to commune with the spirits.  The spirits compelled him to resist the challenges against liberty through armed uprising, like unto the risings of Edward IV against the House of Lancaster, and unto Tommy Vercetti’s struggle against Sonny Forelli.

And so the Adam of Kokesh devised a plan which, in his mind, shone brilliant.  He sent riders in all directions with orders to muster in the King’s capital.  The faithful disciples of the Conspiratarian and his head knight, the Adam of Kokesh, were to assemble near the castle of King Barack with their muskets and swords o’er their shoulders.  They would then march yonder round the fiefdoms of the King’s department ministers.

It was brought to the attention of Kokesh by a low-ranking conspiratarian militiaman, whose courage wavered with fear, that a standing ordinance in the Capital prohibiteth open carry of arms.  “Nay!” roareth Kokesh, waxing with courage, and saying “the King’s ordinance doth not supercede our right to bear arms as guaranteed in the Second Amendment!”  This was very true indeed, but Kokesh stopped not there, for he waxed with pride and proclaimeth, “Our cause is not simply limited to the laws of the capital, but to the liberation of the whole nation!  We shall march on the capital and the King’s opposition shall quiver with fear and throw down their weapons!”

As the conspiratarians saw the world, it was colored only in black and white.  The globes in their offices were flat, and their maps of the capital shewn a golden throne upon which Sir Ronald of Paul was to sit, singlehandedly restoring the people’s freedom and serving as Dictator of Liberty.  As Sir Ronald retired, the Adam of Kokesh appointed himself Great Successor to the Dictatorship of Liberty.  Kokesh did see the world as a flat disc, and his lord’s militia’s march on the King’s capital was to strike fear into the hearts of the Kings men so that they would be chased by the Conspiratarian’s militia to the ends of the Earth, whereupon they would continue to flee and fall off the edge of the world.

Yet the libertarians throughout the land, with a true concern for their brothers in the conspiratarian movement, cried unto the Adam of Kokesh.  Their plea: “I beseech thee, O brother, waste not thy men in this march, for the King’s men are many, and they shall slay thy multitudes with their greater multitudes.”  The heart of Kokesh did hearken unto their plea, yet shrwed was the Adam.  He sayeth to his leftenants, “We shall perform a strategic operation which will be a bloodless coup.  We must march on the King’s capital, but may we do so unarmed, and in protest of the King’s laws against the growers of the Holy Hemp Weed.”

The Adam of Kokesh seized by King Barack's men
And the Kokesh did march unarmed on the King’s capital, and he was seized by the King’s men within five minutes, and placed into a dungeon in one of the fiefdoms of the department ministers.

The Conspirataian grew livid upon this news, and beseeched his remaining conspiratarian disciples to liberate the Adam of Kokesh from the dungeon.  And it came to pass that on the day the Conspiratarian and his men donned their Guy Fawkes masks and mounted their horses, they saw a creature in flight which slew their courage.  “Look ho!  Yonder flyeth one of King Barack’s mechanized eagles, and it performeth psychological operations!  Its operations affect me at this minute, and my courage wanes!  Retreat now to the underground bunker, and behind the safety of thine own laptops!”  And the Conspiratarian and his men retreated into the sunset, leaving the Adam of Kokesh to languish in the dungeon.

To be continued…

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White House artwork is in the public domain and obtained from Wikimedia Commons.  Adam Kokesh arrest image courtesy of Maria Izaurralde via Spread Liberty News.

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