Monday, January 14, 2013

Once Upon a Time: An Alex Jones Fairy Tale

Book the First

New Swan Castle--inspiration for Walt Disney and conspiratarians
Once upon a time there was a corps of dedicated, principled activists who fought hard and took incredible strides in the hopes of electing the greatest statesman in modern time to the highest office in the land.  This is not their story.  This is the story of the Conspiratarian who ranted from within his chamber deep within a castle.  The Conspiratarian was a nobleman—a prince perhaps—of a dynasty long-since overthrown.  This dynasty of old was overthrown not by force of arms, for foreign armies knew that 1776 would happen again if the guns were to be taken away.  Instead, unseen forces—most likely funded by the globalists—laid down their measly Senator Feinstein-approved chariots and sabers and instead picked up the memoirs of General Vo Nguyen Giap and began to wage a war of propaganda and disinformation.

In this war of disinformation, other crackpot ideologues in slightly lesser need of Ritalin (or perhaps a fat bowl of marijuana) learned to tone down the extremity of their lies and half-truths so that the lowly proletarians—the sheeple—would find the madness more acceptable.  They were then able to creep up on the Conspiratarian’s mighty television antenna and overtake his hard-earned ratings with higher ones of their own!  But these ideologues were themselves deceived.  Half of them hated the Warlock of the East, George of Soros, while the other half hated the Warlock of the West, Rupert of Murdoch.  Yet none of them knew that both warlocks were the puppets of the unknown globalists.

You might be tempted to ask, “Who were those wicked globalists?”  Why, they were none other than the fabled Gnomes of Zürich, controlling the world through their extensive banking operations from deep, underground chambers where pawns like the goblins at Gringotts did their bidding.  (It should be known that the Gnomes of Zürich funded the Keebler elves in their mission to increase obesity in the United States, therefore reducing the amount of able-bodied men in the unorganized militia in order to advance their globalist agenda.)  Using the Codebook of the Freemasons, the globalist gnomes planned their takeover of the entire world and nobody knew.  Nobody except for the valiant Conspiratarian, that is!

Though he may have lost his mighty television antenna, he thought of the bat-shit crazy conspiracies he must bring forth to light in front of the whole world, and so he clapped his hands.  He clapped, clapped, clapped his hands so incredibly hard because he truly believed.  This beckoned the arrival of Tinkerbell who used her magic to grant him with the Power of the Modem, through which he could transmit his theories to the rest of the world from within his new hidden lair.  While undertaking the arduous task of preaching the truth to the world, the noble Conspiratarian drew strength and inspiration from the everlasting truths in the Gospel of Zeitgeist (parts I and II, DVD versions) and the Protocols of the Elders of Zion.

The gnomes' globalist mercenary troops in Zurich
There would be many battles up ahead.  First, the towns-sheeple of the kingdom were under siege from the killer tomatoes of Monsanto, whose chemically-altered properties made them jump out of the ground and start ravishing all the lovely damsels.  They then continued on the path of destruction to punch babies in the face and keep Denny's closed between 1 and 3 AM on Friday and Saturday nights.  With the help of his noble squire, the Adam of Kokesh—his given name was Bitchy von Moaner—who used the power of the beard (derived in no way from Chuck Norris) to slay the killer tomatoes, the towns-sheeple were temporarily saved.  But danger lurked on the horizon.

There was a white knight in shining armor, Sir Ronald of Paul, who galloped valiantly to undue the globalist agenda.  Unfortunately, he was hit by a bus carrying the Conspiratarian’s message of truth to the townspeople, and Sir Ronald had to temporarily retire from the good fight.  His son Lord Randal of Paul took a different approach to defeat the globalist menace.  With the help of the Wizard of Goldwater—a famed alchemist and “conservative” of old—Sir Rand took the form of a snake in the grass, working his way to a position of high power in the globalist court.  He made a speech in honor of one of the gnomes’ top servants (in order to get closer to the gnomes and stab them in the back to preserve our liberty).  Upon hearing this speech, the Conspiratarian and his squire from Kokesh raised an army of conspiratarian followers who rallied in battle and slew Sir Rand’s momentum.  The Conspiratarian and the Kokeshian squire charged forth valiantly towards future battles, neither knowing nor caring that their noble efforts were making things incredibly difficult for those who were utilizing calmer rhetoric and rallying behind political warriors who actually had the power and ability to counter the globalist agenda.

Elsewhere in the world, a young man sat at a computer in Southern California, wondering whether he was having a quarter-life crisis.  After starting up a blog full of his own ranting vanity cards, he began to fully understand was a misunderstood genius Chuck Lorre is.

Continued in Book the Second!

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Züriputsch 1839 sketch in the public domain. New Swan Castle image by Cezary Piwowarsky and used via CC BY-SA 3.0 license.  Both images obtained from Wikimedia Commons.  If you haven't read Chuck Lorre's vanity cards, Google them.  Sadly I can relate to so many.  Break ups suck.

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