Book the First
New Swan Castle--inspiration for Walt Disney and conspiratarians |
In this war of disinformation, other
crackpot ideologues in slightly lesser need of Ritalin (or perhaps a fat bowl
of marijuana) learned to tone down the extremity of their lies and half-truths
so that the lowly proletarians—the sheeple—would find the madness more
acceptable. They were then able to creep
up on the Conspiratarian’s mighty television antenna and overtake his
hard-earned ratings with higher ones of their own! But these ideologues were themselves deceived. Half of them hated the Warlock of the East,
George of Soros, while the other half hated the Warlock of the West, Rupert of
Murdoch. Yet none of them knew that both
warlocks were the puppets of the unknown globalists.
You might be tempted to ask, “Who were
those wicked globalists?” Why, they were
none other than the fabled Gnomes of Zürich, controlling the world through
their extensive banking operations from deep, underground chambers where pawns
like the goblins at Gringotts did their bidding. (It should be known that the Gnomes of Zürich
funded the Keebler elves in their mission to increase obesity in the United States, therefore reducing the
amount of able-bodied men in the unorganized militia in order to advance their
globalist agenda.) Using the Codebook of
the Freemasons, the globalist gnomes planned their takeover of the entire world
and nobody knew. Nobody except for the valiant Conspiratarian,
that is!
Though he may have lost his mighty
television antenna, he thought of the bat-shit crazy conspiracies he must bring forth
to light in front of the whole world, and so he clapped his hands. He clapped, clapped, clapped his hands so
incredibly hard because he truly believed.
This beckoned the arrival of Tinkerbell who used her magic to grant him
with the Power of the Modem, through which he could transmit his theories to
the rest of the world from within his new hidden lair. While undertaking
the arduous task of preaching the truth to the world, the noble Conspiratarian
drew strength and inspiration from the everlasting truths in the Gospel of Zeitgeist (parts I and II, DVD
versions) and the Protocols of the Elders of Zion.
The gnomes' globalist mercenary troops in Zurich |
There would be many battles up
ahead. First, the towns-sheeple of the
kingdom were under siege from the killer tomatoes of Monsanto, whose
chemically-altered properties made them jump out of the ground and start
ravishing all the lovely damsels. They then continued on the path of
destruction to punch babies in the face and keep Denny's closed between 1 and 3 AM on Friday
and Saturday nights. With the help of
his noble squire, the Adam of Kokesh—his given name was Bitchy von Moaner—who used
the power of the beard (derived in no way from Chuck Norris) to slay the killer
tomatoes, the towns-sheeple were temporarily saved. But danger lurked on the horizon.
There was a white knight in shining
armor, Sir Ronald of Paul, who galloped valiantly to undue the globalist
agenda. Unfortunately, he was hit by a
bus carrying the Conspiratarian’s message of truth to the townspeople, and Sir
Ronald had to temporarily retire from the good fight.
His son Lord Randal of Paul took a different approach to defeat the
globalist menace. With the help of the Wizard
of Goldwater—a famed alchemist and “conservative” of old—Sir Rand took the form
of a snake in the grass, working his way to a position of high power in the
globalist court. He made a speech in
honor of one of the gnomes’ top servants (in order to get closer to the gnomes
and stab them in the back to preserve our liberty). Upon hearing
this speech, the Conspiratarian and his squire from Kokesh raised an army of conspiratarian
followers who rallied in battle and slew Sir Rand’s momentum. The Conspiratarian and the Kokeshian squire charged forth valiantly towards future battles, neither knowing nor caring that their noble efforts were making things incredibly difficult for those who were utilizing calmer rhetoric and rallying behind political warriors who actually had the power and ability to counter the globalist agenda.
Elsewhere in the world, a young man sat
at a computer in Southern California, wondering whether he was having a
quarter-life crisis. After starting up a
blog full of his own ranting vanity cards, he began to fully understand was a
misunderstood genius Chuck Lorre is.
Continued in Book the Second!
* * *
Züriputsch 1839 sketch in the public domain. New Swan Castle image by Cezary Piwowarsky and used via CC BY-SA 3.0 license. Both images obtained from Wikimedia Commons. If you haven't read Chuck Lorre's vanity cards, Google them. Sadly I can relate to so many. Break ups suck.
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