Tuesday, January 8, 2013

Insights on Creepertarians

One of the increasingly learned-of and identifiable trends within the liberty movement can be classified as a very distinct sub-group: creepertarians.   Like their non-creepertarian contemporaries in the liberty movement, these fellows heavily subscribe to libertarian ideas and have quite often proven themselves to be able and willing volunteers for activism.  Yet they also serve as detractors for the movement.  Ron Paul Problems describes these fellows in social scientific terms:

creep-er-tar-ian [Noun].  A subset of individuals found in the American ‘liberty movement’. Usually male, though this is not always the case. A creepertarian is any socially awkward person in the movement that shows traits of an internet stalker.

Found in excess on Facebook…  Up to 80% of libertarian males show at least latent signs of creepertarianism — excessive liking of Facebook content, or ‘hovering’ while in public. Hovering creepertarians are unlikely to actually make any verbal contribution to the conversations which they are standing in proximity of— but they’ll stare enthusiastically, and breath heavily. Some also avoid eye contact. They may recount their observations to you later, over a Facebook private message.

RPP also describes a rarer species of female creepertarians but, since they only creep on libertarian celebrities and not regular people, no one cares.  Here are two plain-and-simple ways that creepertarians cause damage to the liberty movement:

1)   They creep on attractive libertarian women volunteers, thus causing said women to become creeped out, stop showing up to volunteer, and in effect cause half the guys to stop volunteering as well since they can no longer wake up in the morning expecting to hit on a real live girl at the YAL meeting or the campaign office.  The harmony/sexual harassment homeostasis is ruined.

2)  Even worse, they go out to do real activism and creep on potential converts (current non-libertarian women), thus thoroughly creeping them out, irreparably scarring them for life, and forever alienating them from the liberty movement.  Said women will then proceed to inform everyone they know that libertarians and “Paulbots” are not only phenomenally rude and obnoxious on Facebook, but also very likely sex offenders.

If any gentleman (and I use the term liberally) reading this be a creepertarian, or suspect himself of having creepertarian tendencies, I have the following advice: STOP BEING A CREEPER!!!  Seriously, don’t stalk and don’t hover.  Limit yourself to only one private message per week.  Don’t try to mix activism with dating; you can date a fellow activist but leave all the flirting and the PDAs for personal time.  Don’t dip your pen in company ink, or as one of my NCOs used to say, “Don’t shit where you eat.”  It’s that simple.

"How many times do I have to say it? STOP creeping!" --Rand
If the women you’re creeping on—or multiple women, since you probably have low standards—is already a genuine friend of yours and you suspect you’re stuck in the “Friend Zone,” see a self-help article I wrote a while ago titled “Get Out of the Friend Zone!”.  However, if there’s a chance she’s not really your friend but just tolerating you for the good of the campaign or the YAL/SFL chapter, just give up and walk away.  Sure, you may think that’s impossible because you’re in love and blah-blah-blah, but think about it this way: Your creeping and alienation of women both within and without the liberty movement will COST votes for Rand’s 2016 presidential run.

Should it ever occur that Rand lost a state primary or caucus by just a few votes in one precinct, and that precinct happened to have a creepertarian a-creeping in abundance, I shall slay thee in a manner like unto the Samurai of old.

Are you still in denial?  Let’s take the opportunity to clear something up.  See if you (or anyone you know) fit any the following:

·   If you’ve ever been deleted and/or blocked on Facebook/Twitter by a woman you’ve met through the liberty movement, you might be a creepertarian.
·      If more than once some guy has had to tell you at a Ron Paul-related event, “Dude, that’s my girlfriend/wife,” you might be a creepertarian.
·      If you weren’t invited to go to the bar with her group after a political event yet you just happen to be at that bar and near her table, you might be a creepertarian.
·      If a YAL/SFL/YFP officer has ever told you “Just because you’re into Ron Paul and she’s into Ron Paul does not mean she’s into you,” you might be a creepertarian.
·     If she happens to be a new libertarian or simply a conservative who likes the Pauls but you’re convinced that you and only you can convert her to anarcho-capitalism, you might be a creepertarian.
·     If you wear blazers and bow-ties that make you look like you jumped out of the year 1911 and are not a published author from LI or the Mises Institute, you might be a creepertarian.
·   If you’ve ever begun a sentence with “I’m looking for my Carol Paul…” you might be a creepertarian.
·   If you’ve ever resembled the butt of a joke on Ron Paul Problems, you might be a creepertarian.

Gentlemen, if you think you might be a creepertarian and seriously want to reform yourself, I commend you.  I recommend the following steps:

·       Be completely honest with yourself and make a list of all the possible ways you could have come across as creepy.  Also take note of the women to whom you radiated those vibes.
·       Stay AWAY from those women.  Keep your distance.  Let them approach you.
·       Have your sister, cousin, or not-creeped-out female friend help you pick out new clothes that neither make you look like Captain Sweatpants nor the Vienna school professors circa 1890.  You can find something you like without looking like a social outcast.
·       Read any book by Neil Strauss or Chris Odom.  Re-read them, take them to heart, and put their theories to practice.  Also check out a great self-help book called Asshole-ology: The Science Behind Getting Your Way and Getting Away With It.  Never forget the difference between an asshole and a douche bag.
·       Work out on a regular basis, at least 2-3 times a week. Slim down and tone up.  Just don’t end up looking like a Jersey Shore reject.
·       Don’t mix dating with work or activism.
·       Spend ten minutes a day reading up on popular culture so you have something other than the Austrian Business Cycle Theory to talk about in case you find yourself in conversation with (*gasp!*) a woman.

"...A martini, shaken, not stirred." --A non-creeper
Most importantly, learn how to read body language and be able to take “NO” for an answer.  If she’s not interested, move onto another woman who might actually be interested.  If anything, try to be like Rand Paul with your swag.  The less you talk, the more mysterious you seem.  Even if you have a monotone voice that puts you in stark contrast with your father’s high-pitched, arm-waving rants, you can still know what the hell you’re talking about and then make an interesting point or tell a good story.  “So then I said: Don’t tell the Tang family they didn’t build that!” [*laughter, much applause*]  Best of all, be cool, maintain the aura of being in charge, and always leave your friends and the ladies wanting more.

Liberty really can be sexy.

* * *


Man with binoculars photo by Ante Perkovic and used via CC BY-SA 3.0 license.  Rand Paul photo by Gage Skidmore and used via CC BY-SA 2.0 license.  Martini photo by N. Renaud and used via CC BY-SA 2.0 license.  All images obtained from Wikimedia Commons.  Man, you have no idea how much I wished I could use a photo of James Bond without MGM and the Ian Fleming estate simultaneously jumping down my throat like argumentative Ron Paul supporters on Facebook.  IP: such is the cross I bear. *sigh*

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