Monday, November 12, 2012
Recovering from the Falcon Punch
I finally managed to pick myself up off the floor after the spinning kick to the jaw that was the 2012 General Election. Good Lord, I’m still exhausted! Hell, unlike your average idiot who only pretends to care about politics when the election debates start interrupting Monday Night Football, I’ve been involved in the election cycle since April 2011.
THANK GOD IT’S OVER.
I fully expected Mitt Romney to lose and, frankly, I don’t sympathize with all my fellow Republicans who couldn’t see this epic failure chugging around the mountain. After twice losing to Barack Obama, I’m mildly surprised the RNC members aren’t committing mass ritual suicide like the Romulans do whenever they lose a battle to Picard. Oh well.
Being a dedicated Ron Paul supporter, my vision for “restoring America” (whatever that means) stretches farther than one dumb election cycle. I think most voters must have political ADD and serious Alzheimer’s disease since they’re all convinced this election is “the most important election of our time.” Whatever, dudes, I’m not even 24 and I’ve already seen at least 4 or 5 of those, not even counting the midterms. DGAF.
However, I was genuinely taken aback by the fact that every election I actually supported was crushed harder than the hopes and dreams of a 12-year-old girl who didn’t make the dance team, in part because her parents never told her she had all the grace of a dodo bird bred by Doctor Moreau. Not one of my personal friends or heroes was elected. Daaaaaaamn!
Even though I’m not joining fellow Republicans—still mourning Romney’s candidacy—in committing hara-kiri for disgracing Ronald Reagan, this election was a giant falcon punch even for me.
I was already over the RNC punching me in the heart through their destruction of Ron Paul’s candidacy, and I’d picked up the pieces and taken my leftover time and energy to campaign for a friend of mine running for Congress, another friend running for State Assembly, and another buddy running for the Colorado legislature. All wiped out and in the 60s-30s margin. Ouch!
Since 2008 the GOP had been obnoxiously crying “This is madness!” and the Democrats responded with a kick to the stomach and the words “This is SPARTA!!!”
I’m also reminded of the scene from Revenge of the Sith where Anakin Skywalker shouts “You underestimate my power!” just moments before Obi-wan Kenobi gives him a permanent height reduction. In a nutshell, Mitt Romney and the Republican Party were Anakin while the Democrats were Obi-wan Kenobi, his lightsaber, and all the hot lava too.
Since I’ve already surrendered all my journalistic credibility to the idol of Star Wars fandom, I might as well continue with this political fanboy metaphor. Like Yoda and the few remaining Jedi at the end of Episode III, I can finally go into exile from politics and enjoy my PlayStation for the first time in 8 months.
Better yet, the best is yet to come! We in the “greater liberty movement” have reason to look to a new hope: Rand Paul 2016!
[Some people call this a “man crush.” Whatevah, whatevah, I do what I want!]
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Election image courtesy of "DonkeyHotey" via Wikimedia Commons under license CC BY-SA 2.0.
Star Wars GIF courtesy of Ron Paul Problems. Star Wars is the property of George Lucas and Lucasfilm, Ltd. Or Disney by now. Or the Chinese government. Nobody really knows. I'm beginning to care less and less.